I want to start a new business venture
A service called UberMan
Designed for those who need to chat
To an unencumbered Tarzan

If you’ve just broken up and need to vent
Or have an issue with a relo
Just give me a call and I’ll be there
An instant sounding board fellow

I’ll be on call through a fancy app
In every neighbourhood
Of course I’ll need an army of men
My virtual brotherhood

The idea is to just sit and listen
With the occasional facial grimace
I’ll be like a cardboard cutout
Enjoying a quiet Guiness

The payment terms will be cash in advance
For a period up to an hour
As soon as we sit you can unleash your tongue
At any desired horsepower

The basic package will guarantee
Ongoing visual feedback
To make the encounter more relaxed
I can provide a morsel of Prosac

At random times in the dialogue storm
I’ll interject with a response
To avoid being too obvious
I’ll do it with nonchalance

Your friends will wonder “who’s the guy?”
Listening with such attention
They’ll question and ponder till the end of the day
Why their men show no such affection

Of course I’ll be discreet with what I’ve heard
I don’t want to upset the cart
UberMen will never relay
Delicate matters of the heart

If this is a concern before being booked
I can recommend a fix
I’ll fill my ears with cotton buds
To avoid those touchy topics

I recommend a weekly session
To exorcise the baggage
Just give me a call whenever you need
An hour long pretend marriage

My back is sore as I write this poem
And I need a support cushion
Who can quickly find it for me
I know –  my local UberWoman