The Telemarketer

I really pity telemarketers
Pandering to vacant wants
Repeating the same old story
Awaiting a negative response

Sometimes I chat with them
And when they think I’m keen
I’ll pretend to place an order
Then suddenly stop mid-stream

Hello, can you hear me?
They begin to desperately yell
With a little bit more practice
They’ll be singing like Adele

Eventually I decide to reply
“Are you there ’cause I’m still here”
Echoing this sentence a number of times
Until they disappear

On rare occasions they do call back
Hoping to close the sale
For this event I’m already prepared
With my trusty fake email

I ask them to send a quote to
With a cc to my business partner

“Could you please help me sir
Is jerkoff with a g or j?
And what about that sphincter word
Has it a c or a k?”

Another tactic that often works
Is to pretend that I’m the cleaner
“My boss is not at work today”
I mumble  into the receiver

“He’s on vacation for awhile”
“So when will he be back?”
“I think he said next year some time”
I strategically counterattack

This ritual repeats many times a year
Productive hours lost
Wasting energy with foreign intruders
Imagine the financial cost

The best strategy is just to say
“We don’t take marketing calls”
Then hang up immediately
A response that needs some balls

We’re not hurting their feelings
No need to become nervous
They’re on a quota system
And prefer our direct service

But just like the moon goes around the earth
Or a scene from Groundhog Day
I sit with my coffee and anxiously wait
For the next caller from Bombay